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The next time you receive an e-mail from one of the Lads from Lagos you may want to invite him to be a delegate on this course or send him one of the alternative replies below.. You
can use Prank Mail to send it anonymously - Just copy and paste into the
message area. Have fun.
Invitation to the 3rd Nigerian 419 e-mail seminar GREETINGS !! All delegates are reminded that they should keep this matter highly reticent pending the actualization of the seminar. I would want you to contact me immediately so that we can proceed with the booking. You should please on reply enclose your private telephone, fax number so that we can have more confidential correspondence. 1 - THE CASE FOR ALL CAPS This highly controversial subject has divided opinion amongst our delegates in previous years. Some, such as Basher Mobutu Sese-Seko, are firmly of the belief that using ALL UPPERCASE CHARACTERS lends a certain style to their message, whilst some of the more progressive delegates believe that this is a style that has now passed its sell-by date. There will be a 2 hour debate on the subject with delegates voting on the question after the discussion. 2 - The effectiveness of Religious phrases A recent survey has shown that 89% of previous delegates continue to scatter religious phrases and references to God throughout their correspondence. There will be an open-forum discussion on the subject led by “Deacon” John Osa of Dove Ministry Inc. All delegates will receive a 14 page booklet containing the most frequently used psalms. 3 - “Modalities” – Is
it time to stop using this phrase? If previous seminars are anything to go on this will be one of the most hotly debated topics. Champions of the phrase continue to argue that it is part of our scamming heritage whilst some of our younger delegates reason that, outside of our own circle, it is a totally unknown term. 4 - How to make those grammatical errors REALLY WORK for you An in-depth workshop session led by a number of our leading barristers. On completion of the session delegates will be able to master the most excruciating grammatical savaging of the English language. This haves been won of the most poppular seshons in preevyas seminarse –arryve urly two a voyde dis appoyntmeant. One of Nigeria’s leading psychologists explores and analyses the success rate of various sales pitches including:- The expatriate dying in a tragic air-crash, leaving no known relatives, the Ministry of Petroleum official who has a fund of millions of dollars through deliberate over-invoicing of a project, the Zimbabwean / Sierra Leone orphans who tragically lost their highly popular father through gang murder. Following the psychologist’s
analysis one of Nigeria’s most creative authors will explore new scenarios
that will have the Westerners begging to send us more money. Delegates will be given invaluable advice on how to buy lists of intended victims at the lowest cost, use them and sell them on at a profit. A hands-on 2 hour tutorial covering the basics in Adobe Photoshop. At the end of the session delegates will have learned how to produce professional-quality forgeries of wills, Central Bank documentation and the all-important list of handling and demurrage charges from various security companies. Specialist techniques covered will include Government official stamps and fake passports. An explanation of the benefits of using today’s technology to convince your victims that the bank really exists and to use this technology to withdraw money from their accounts in the shortest possible time. All delegates will be entitled to a 10% discount when using the course-approved webmasters.
Exploring the advantages of rapidly setting up multiple e-mail accounts with:- Book today to avoid disappointment. Send your Western Union payment of $750 to Scam-Masters Inc, 14 Ikoge Lane, Apapa, Lagos Test Question:-Why, Test Answer:-Why Not No bookings will be confirmed until a scanned copy of the Western Union receipt and Control Number has been received and verified. (No forged receipts please) Yours in God’s Vineyard Barrister Wotta Ripoff (President, Scam-Masters Inc) Read this out loud and repeat it until it becomes fixed in your tiny brain.
Alternative Reply No. 2 TO: benwilliam2000@netscape.net
Alternative Reply No. 3 DEAR SIR/DIRECTOR/CEO:
Alternative Reply No. 4 Dear [name of recipient - usually a nice Nigerian person]
DEAR
SIR/MADAM GREETINGS
TO YOU FROM THIS SIDE OF THE ATLANTIC. I
KNOW THIS LETTER WILL COME AS A SHOCK TO YOU AS WE HAVE NOT MET EACH OTHER
BEFORE OR INDEED HAD ANY CORRESPONDENCE BUT I FELT GUIDED BY THE HAND OF GOD TO
SEND YOU THIS MESSAGE. (HE MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS HIS WONDERS TO PERFORM) MY
NAME IS FANNY TOSSPOT THE ONLY DAUGHTER OF TOTAL TOSSPOT THE MOST POPULAR JELLY
AND CUSTARD WRESTLER IN ENGLAND. MY FATHER WAS MYSTERIOUSLY POISONED BY SOME OF
HIS ENEMIES IN THE JELLY AND CUSTARD WRESTLING WORLD AND SPENT DAYS IN AGONY AT
THE LOCAL HOSPITAL BEFORE HE PASSED WIND (AND AWAY). MY
FATHER HOLD ME SO DEAR THAT ON HIS DEATHBED HE CONFIDED IN ME THAT HE HAD A
GREAT FORTUNE (TOTALLING £43.90) WHICH HE HAD TAKEN FROM HIS ARCH RIVAL AND
JELLY AND CUSTARD WRESTLING WORLD CHAMPION WILLY WANKER. IN ORDER TO SAFEGUARD
THIS TREASURE FROM HIS ENEMIES MY DEAR FATHER ARRANGED FOR IT TO BE SENT BY
DIPLOMATIC COURIER OUT OF ENGLAND TO A SAFE PLACE IN NIGERIA. FOLLOWING
MY FATHER’S UNTIMELY DEMISE MY MOTHER STARTED DRINKING IN A BIG WAY AND TAKING
UP WITH MUCKY MEN WITH A PENCHANT FOR FERRET RACING. SHE WAS LAST SEEN SEARCHING
WITH HER TONGUE FOR A LOST FERRET DOWN ONE OF HER MENFRIEND’S INCREDIBLY TIGHT
TROUSERS. UNFORTUNATELY THE FERRET MISTOOK HER TONGUE FOR A FEMALE FERRET AND
PROCEEDED TO GIVE IT A GOOD SHAGGING. THAT FERRET MY FRIEND WAS INFECTED WITH GONORRHOEA, SYPHILIS, HALITOSIS, BUNIONS AND
HAEMORRHOIDS
AND CONSEQUENTLY
MY DEAR MOTHER WAS TAKEN BY THE GOOD LORD TO JOIN MY FATHER. I
AM ALL ALONE NOW APART FROM MY 14 YEAR OLD BROTHER DICK TOSSPOT WHO HAS
INHERITED MY FATHER’S GENITAL WARTS BUT NOT UNFORTUNATELY HIS JELLY AND
CUSTARD WRESTLING SKILLS. AS
I AM ONLY 17 AND TECHNICALLY STILL A VIRGIN I CANNOT OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT IN
NIGERIA WITHOUT PROVIDING PROOF OF MY FATHER’S DEATH AND HIS DEATH CERTIFICATE
WAS CHEWED UP, SWALLOWED AND REGURGITATED BY OUR PET DUCK-BILLED PLATYPUS. THIS
IS WHY I IMPLORE YOU TO ASSIST ME IN TRANSFERRING THE MONEY TO A SAFE BANK
ACCOUNT IN NIGERIA. ALL
YOU NEED TO DO IS OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR NAME AND I WILL ARRANGE WITH MY
LAWYER, MR P.D O’FILE, TO MAKE ALL NECESSARY TRANSACTIONS WITH THE SECURITY
COMPANY SO THAT MY FATHER’S FORTUNE CAN BE TRANSFERRED TO THAT ACCOUNT. PLEASE
BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT THIS IS A TOTALLY 100% RISK-FREE, LEGAL TRANSACTION
AND THAT ALL MODALITIES ARE IN PLACE. ALL
THAT IS REQUIRED FROM YOU IS TOTAL SECRECY, YOUR BANK SORT CODE AND ACCOUNT
NUMBER, A COPY OF THE FIRST 23 PAGES OF YOUR PASSPORT, AN INDICATION OF YOUR
MARITAL STATUS, THE SIZE OF YOUR TODGER AND YOUR INSIDE LEG MEASUREMENT PLUS OF
COURSE YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBERS (LAND LINE AND MOBILE) TOGETHER WITH YOUR FAX
NUMBER AS MY LAWYER WILL NEED TO SEND YOU A LOT OF COLOURFUL AND CONVINCING
DOCUMENTATION. WITH
THESE DETAILS WE WILL BE ABLE TO CONCLUDE THE TRANSACTION WITHIN 10 DAYS AND WE
WILL BOTH BE RICH BEYOND OUR WILDEST DREAMS. I
HAVE DISCUSSED THIS MATTER WITH MY BROTHER AND WE HAVE AGREED TO GIVE YOU
22.391% OF THE TOTAL FORTUNE FOR ASSISTING US. (THAT’S £9.83 IN ENGLISH MONEY
BUT PROBABLY A LOT MORE IN NAIRA). PLEASE
DO NOT ABANDON MY BROTHER AND ME IN OUR HOUR OF NEED BUT REPLY TO ME URGENTLY SO
THAT WE CAN START THE MOVEMENT OF
THESE FUNDS. YOURS IN THE HOPE OF EVERLASTING PLATITUDES. REMAIN BLESSED FANNY
TOSSPOT (FOR THE FAMILY) PS
AS SECURITY IS NECESSARY YOU MAY FIND THAT I HAVE TO KEEP ON CHANGING MY
EMAIL ADDRESS BUT DO NOT CONCERN YOURSELF ON THIS MATTER AS I AM NOW USED TO IT.
Alternative Reply No. 6 Just send him
here:-
http://www.personaldetails.freeserve.co.uk
Or send him here:- http://www.personaldetails.freeserve.co.uk/404.htm
Dear sir, Thank you very much for writing to me. I am Conchita and I am so poor that I have no last name as my father could not afford one for me. We live on a small island in the South Pacific and are the only family that has lived here for the past one hundred years. Unfortunately, we have eaten almost everything on the island except for the dirt and two skinny dogs that are too old to scratch fleas. Fortunately, we ate all the fleas so there are none left for the dogs to worry about. I am so pleased that you have offered to send us your twenty-five million US dollars. We have not seen money for the last three generations as we have no place to spend it and no means of getting to a place where we could spend it if we wanted to. I can assure you that we will take excellent care of your funds and invest them wisely. Our plan for the money is as follows: 1. We want to build a deep water port in Williwilli, our little lagoon here on the island. 2. We then want to bring in a barge with an electrical generator so that we can have electricity on the island once again. We haven't had electricity in over two hundred years because the last generator broke down and we have no parts to repair it. 3. We want to build a school here so the children can learn to read and write. It is really hard to create email messages with no electricity and no knowledge of reading or writing skills. 4. We then want to install a phone company so we can communicate with the outside world and meet more wonderful people like you and your blessed family. 5. We then want to build a satellite cable system so we can watch television and see all the latest fights in the world. We don't have those here and miss them very much. We think that we could probably hook up a computer to the cable or telephone lines so we could send email messages to our new found friends when we get them. 6. We want to build a grocery store so we have a place to buy things like bubble gum and candy, something we have never had here. 7. We will then need to build a road from our cave to the grocery store so we can get there. Of course, we will need a car to drive on the road or there will be no point in having a road, will there? 8. If we get a car we will need gas and oil but maybe we could just take some from the electrical generator and save that money for a beauty salon, something we really need here. Have you seen the women around here? They are just awful looking. 9. Of course, we will have to build a church so we have a place to go and be thankful for the gifts you have offered us. Once all these things have been completed, if there is any money left we would like to use it to build a house to live in. The hole we use for an outhouse is rapidly filling up since we began receiving your letters of appeal and we will need to move soon as the cave will be unbearable to live in during hot weather. Air conditioning in our new house would be nice too. It is too bad that I am only eight years old. If I were older I could come and visit you if you sent me an airplane ticket and an airplane with pontoons on it so it could land in the lagoon. One of my grandchildren would like to come and visit you also, if you don't mind. I shall patiently await the arrival of the next bottle with your message telling us when the money will be here. Thank you again, for your kind generosity; it is sincerely appreciated. Conchita
Dear Do not be surprised or alarmed
at this method of communication – I found your name through my database of My name is Gordon Brown and I am the Chancellor of the Exchequer in the UK. During the last few years my colleagues and I have stolen Billions of pounds from the British public and we are now looking for a trustworthy partner to assist us in transferring this money to a safe haven before the Conservative Party regains power at the next election. We carried out this practice mainly under the guise of so called “Stealth Taxes” so that the British taxpayer couldn’t turn around and accuse us of raising the income tax rate. But as an astute businessman yourself you will realise that there are more ways of killing a cat than just kicking it in the crotch. We have systematically raised taxes and duties on petrol, alcohol, cigarettes, pension funds, council taxes and a myriad of other items that the average British citizen is too dumb to recognise. A large part of the money raised was, of course, wasted in trying to live up to our election manifesto promises. As Tony said “education, education, education” What he meant was those of us who can afford it will always prefer to send our sons and daughters to some smart fee-paying school rather than the run down alternatives available under the “free” education system. Likewise we always prefer to have private medical treatment rather than rely on the National Health Service (Have you seen how disgusting some of those hospitals are? People can get ill staying in one of those.) Perhaps our biggest coup was in convincing everyone that war with Iraq was necessary for world peace – that alone used up billions of pounds of taxpayer’s money. We need to be sure of your reliability in carrying out this project with us and what we ask is that you maintain complete confidentiality. For this we are prepared to grant you 10% of the transferred fund whilst my partners and I will keep 85%; the remaining 5% will be used to cover all foreseeable expenses such as spin-doctors etc. Please note that this is a 100% risk-free transaction and that all modalities are in place to ensure that the transfer is completed within 7 days. If you feel that you cannot assist us in this project please let me know by return, as we will then ask George Bush if he can help us. Yours in the Tuscany vineyards Gordon Brown
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